


The Chase

by CartoonJessie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, wickedlywonderfulweekofreylo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:22:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7121239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CartoonJessie/pseuds/CartoonJessie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo wants Rey by his side. In order to achieve this, he will travel the galaxy, begging for her to join him. Rey isn't willing to forgive him so easily though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snowshoes

After he had left Rey behind on Ahch-To, he had lost track of her altogether. Months of searching and meditating had now led him to the ice planet Hoth. He had not gathered intelligence about her - the only thing that had led him to her doorstep, was the Force. She was linked to him, had been since the day they had met, and since their last encounter on Ahch-To had not had his desired outcome, he hoped he could try again. 

He wore his usual dark outfit as he stepped out of the Finalizer, but he had already taken an important precaution: he had changed his normal combat boots for snowshoes. They were even higher than his normal boots, filled with thick wool, and there was an iron harness around them, with spikes on the soles for extra grip on snowy and icy undergrounds. He shivered in the cold wind as he looked around the icy terrain. The sun would set soon. The wind was howling, and he was glad that he was wearing his mask - it kept his nose from freezing off - at least for now.

He had landed his ship in a large valley of snow, and there were hills with caves all around him. She had to be around here - he had felt it in the Force when he had flown overhead. 

Closing his eyes, he tried to clear his mind. The Force would guide him to her, he knew that. It had done so before. It would also do so now. 

He felt an attachment to her, like an invisible string that lead the way. All he needed to do was follow where it led.

The hatch to the ship closed and he headed in her direction. He did not know how far away she was, but he could feel the connection growing stronger with each passing step. 

As the sun set, it grew colder, and he was already freezing, rubbing his arms to stay warm. His clothes were made for the cold of First Order vessels, but the planet Hoth was a great deal worse. He contemplated returning to the vessel when snow began to fall, and he had trouble seeing through his mask because of it. At the same time, taking off the mask would have left his face even more exposed to the freezing temperatures, and that  was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. He could do this, he just had to focus on Rey. 

Through the wind and snow, he climbed up the icy hills, his teeth clattering as he tried to focus on what lay ahead. The bond was getting stronger by the minute, and he hoped Rey did not feel it too.

If she did, then she would hurry off before he could find her. They'd be in this game of chase forever then. That was what he wanted to avoid. He had come to make amends, not to scare her off or to make the distance between them even greater. 

Hours passed and the only thing that kept him going through the freezing cold was the thought of Rey. He had already forgotten everything he wanted to tell her - his brain had shut down and was now focused on survival alone - all that mattered was the feeling of her in the distance - the thought that she was warm and safe, and soon he would be too. All other thoughts were forgotten as he pushed himself through the snowstorm, feeling the bond between them grow stronger until he eventually entered a cavern. It was dark and cold there, but no colder than it was outside, and he activated his lightsaber to have some light. 

He was still freezing, but he knew he was close now. She was somewhere nearby. 

As he looked around in the darkness, he noticed that there was a door further ahead, no doubt an entrance to what had once been the secret rebel base. After the battle of Hoth, the Empire had destroyed anything of value in these hills. But apparently that did not mean they had destroyed every last bit of it. This cavern appeared to be secure, and as he pushed a button in the wall, the door slid open without hesitation. 

Behind the door was a small corridor, and the door slid closed behind him as he entered it. There was a faint light at the end of the corridor, and as he stepped towards it, he was still shivering from the cold, his teeth clattering behind his mask. 

She was nearby, he could sense it, and he wondered if she had been sleeping - after all, it was night now. 

As he entered the room, he wanted to look around. He noticed a small heater in the center of the room, an empty bed in the corner - but he got no further than that. He heard the activation of a lightsaber right beside him and next thing he knew he had to block an incoming hit from his left. He was almost too late to block it, and the force with which she hit him punched the lightsaber out of his frozen hand. He stumbled and fell to the floor, too dazzled to even reach for his lightsaber as he looked above him.

Rey's hair was loose and messy - as though she had just awoken from sleep - and though she wore several layers of white clothing, she was standing on her socks, her blue lightsaber only inches from his stomach, ready to pierce right through him.

He was trembling - not even from fear - but just from the cold - and perhaps from awe as well. 

"I didn't come here to fight you," he managed to say, his teeth clattering. "I came here to talk."

His voice was distorted by his mask, and he could see the hatred in her eyes as she looked at him, not moving her lightsaber away from him. 

"Yeah right," she mocked him. "Talk. Like you wanted to _talk_ on Ahch-To, is that what you mean?"

The sarcasm in her voice couldn't be clearer, but still he defended himself. "I honestly wanted to talk, but you just have a habit of pulling your lightsaber on me before I have a chance to say anything. Like you're doing right now. I really don't want to fight you."

Her gaze was still harsh, but she gave his words some thought and slowly nodded. He wasn't wrong. On Ahch-To, she had been the first to draw her lightsaber. Honestly, she hadn't wanted to hear him talk - and she still didn't want to hear him talk now, but she could not strike a man who was already down. 

She withdrew her lightsaber and took a step back. "So what are you here for? Are you trying to get me to join you willingly and in case I do not comply you'll send your stormtroopers or something in to force me out?"

"I came alone," he said immediately, slowly getting up again, and as he put his lightsaber away, he held his hands up in a surrendering motion.

She noticed how he was trembling all over, snow still stuck in his cape. It was like she could feel the cold coming off of him. It was a wonder he hadn't frozen to death.

"Where is your ship?" she wondered, her gaze strict and unforgiving. 

"A few hours from here," he replied immediately, and her eyes grew wider in apprehension. 

"You walked here - in the darkness?"

He nodded briefly, and she shook her head as she looked at him. That should have killed him. Yet here he was.

"Take off your mask," she said. "It feels ridiculous having a conversation with someone whose expression I can't see."

He obeyed her immediately, and as he lowered the mask, she froze completely.

She had expected the scar she had left him on Starkiller Base to be gone - treated in a bacta tank or removed with surgery. She knew the technology for that existed, especially in the First Order. But instead, the gash across his face was deep and ugly. It looked painful. And though one part of her felt empathy, another part of her felt some pleasure now that he looked more like a monster than ever before. 

He frowned in confusion as he saw her gaze. She was taking in his scar as though it was the first time she saw it, but he thought she already had. 

"Don't you remember seeing this on Ahch-To?" he wondered softly, and as she shook her head in honesty, he feared that she had forgotten everything. 

He felt a twinge of panic in his chest. He had hoped she would remember - that perhaps a bit of gratitude would open up the way to a dialogue. Now he feared it had all been in vain. 

What she noticed in return was that his lips were blue from the cold. He could have died out there. Perhaps he should have. 

"But you still remember how I saved you, right?" he continued, a bit of fear in his tone that she had truly forgotten. 

She remained quiet again, suspiciously looking at him. "Luke told me you saved me from the water. And then you got me on land, and you ran off the moment Luke approached."

"But you don't remember what happened once I got you on land again?" he asked slowly. 

He would never forget it himself.

He had gone to Ahch-To with the Knights of Ren there to support him. He had had one goal: to leave with Rey by his side. While the Knights had distracted Luke, he had gone straight for Rey, but as usual she had not been willing to talk. She had fought him, and she had left no time for conversation. He had humored her - almost overpowered her completely. Without a blaster wound in his side, he had been more powerful than she was, and they had fought on top of a cliff. When he had disarmed her, he had wanted to talk to her, but she had refused to by doing something he had not expected: she had jumped off the cliff, into the water below, just to escape him. 

Worst of all was, she could not swim.

Basically she had told him without any words at all that she would rather die than speak or surrender to him. 

He had jumped in after her, pulled her body out of the depths of the water, onto the beach, and he had felt terrified when she hadn't breathed at first. 

Only then had he taken off his mask, and he had placed his lips on hers, to breathe air into her lungs. She had started coughing, and she had looked exhausted and pained as she looked at him, but apparently she had not remembered any of that at all. Luke had appeared the next moment, and he had ran off, realizing he could not get Rey to join him if Luke was there. 

He had hoped with all his heart that she would have remembered him saving her, but apparently all she remembered was what Luke had told her - and he did not expect that Luke's words had been kind.

"Luke isn't here?" he suddenly asked, wondering what had happened after Ahch-To.

She suspiciously narrowed her eyes at him, wondering what he was even trying to achieve. Was he after Luke, or after her? Or perhaps after both?

"No," she replied immediately. "I have no idea where he is."

She folded her arms over her chest as she looked at him, a look of disdain on her face.

"Why are you here?" she asked coldly.

"To talk to you," he said once more, his tone and gaze honest, and it wasn't that she didn't believe him in that regard.

"To what purpose?" she continued in frustration. "I don't want to talk to you - I don't want to see you or be in your presence - you're a monster - a murderer - and I don't want anything to do with you!"

The words cut him deeper than he would have admitted to her, and for a moment his gaze wavered. His lip trembled - not from the cold this time - and he was hardly able to pull himself together before he looked at her again. 

"Please, hear me out," he said as gently as he could. "Your gift is magnificent. You are such a wonderful Force user - such a strong person in general - and if you come with me, then I know you can have a good life. The First Order can provide you with stability and security. One of the First Order's missions is to kill the last remaining Jedi. If you were to complete your training with Luke, the First Order would consider you an enemy and I'd be asked to kill you. Believe me, I don't want to kill you, Rey. I want to be your friend!"

Those last words were the last straw. Her gaze was furious and her anger caused the small light in the cavern to suddenly flicker. 

"Friend?! You want to be my friend?! What the fuck, Kylo?!" 

He hadn't taken her for someone who swore, and was a little too shocked by that revelation to say anything at all. He didn't need to, for she was far from done with him.

"Maybe you should have considered friendship before you knocked me unconscious on Takodana! Or before you strapped me to a chair and violated my mind aboard your ship! Or before you killed Han Solo and then knocked me unconscious against a tree while you butchered my friend!"

He paled as he realized why that upset her so badly, and weakly replied: "We were at war, Rey, but I don't want to be at war with you any longer..."

"Bullshit!" she screamed back at him, looking like she wanted to do nothing more than punch him in the face. "Your intent means nothing to me! You're a monster, Kylo! The worst part is that you probably don't even realize yourself how sick and delusional you sound! You killed your own father! Your own father, Kylo!" The image of Han Solo being impaled by Kylo's lightsaber was one she would never forget, and it was something she would never forgive either. "You turned your back on your entire family! You stole Luke's students away from him! Do you know how much you hurt your mother's heart? I could feel it Kylo - in the Force!"

He was trembling from helplessness. 

"So could I, Rey!" He took a step closer to her - wanting to touch her, to force her to listen to him - but he stopped himself just in time. "And I can feel you too, Rey - have been able to since I met you. Don't you realize that that is how I found you on Ahch-To and now here? Don't you feel me in the Force as well?"

He sounded desperate - like he needed her to say yes more than anything, but she remained quiet. Her gaze softened a little though - not much, but enough. For a moment it seemed like she was trying to sense him in the Force, but then she suddenly shook her head.

"It doesn't matter, Kylo," she said, sounding defeated. "I have given up on the Force..."

Kylo's mouth dropped. "Given... given up? You've given up on the Force?" He tried to wrap his mind around that, then found that he couldn't. "But you're so talented! Perhaps you just need another teacher!" He wanted to suggest himself for the position, but she stopped him before he had the chance. 

"No, I don't need a teacher - I don't want one. I don't want to learn the Force. I'm sick of fighting. I don't want to be like you - or like Luke for that matter."

She sounded incredibly tired, like it was the last thing she wanted to talk about, but he was unwilling to set it aside. 

"Why?" he asked, trying to understand.

As she sat down on her bed, she indicated towards a small stool that stood besides the heater. Kylo sat down, his knees bent at a rather awkward angle as the stool was so small, but he secretly enjoyed being so close to the the only source of warmth in the room. He was slowly getting defrosting again. 

"Whether you're a Jedi or a Sith doesn't matter," she began. "What you're trained to become is a weapon - and you'll be asked to fight in wars that aren't even your own. I don't want to do that. As much as I want to see you suffer for what you did to Han and Finn, I don't want to be the one to inflict the suffering. That would make me no better than you are."

He didn't fully understand her. He believed her - but he just didn't know what it was that drove her precisely. 

"The things I did..." Kylo began slowly. "I never did those things to make you suffer... I tried to make everything as painless as possible for you - like when I read your mind and knocked you against the tree... I just needed you to cooperate."

Rey narrowed her eyes as she looked at him.

"You could have killed me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," he replied immediately, and Rey just rolled her eyes.

"Why do you even want to treat me differently?" she wondered. "You killed your own father - sliced open Finn's back with the idea of causing maximum damage - yet when you fought me you could have easily overpowered me or pushed me off the cliff - and you didn't. Are you so afraid of hurting a potential future weapon for the First Order?"

"You're so much more than a weapon, Rey," he said as he looked up at her, glad she was at least talking to him for once. "I feel connected to you. Hurting you would hurt myself."

Rey looked at him as though he was crazy. He saw her gaze and it amused him a little. As he smiled at her, she thought it looked very weird. The scar had maimed him already, but he looked so happy to be in her presence, like a small child that had been given a treat. 

"Didn't you get that killing Han and hurting Finn would hurt me too?" she wondered, curious about how far his empathy actually went.

His gaze hardened.

"Han Solo was my father, true, but he was also a criminal and a smuggler. He was wanted by the First Order - like all Resistance fighters are. I killed him because it is what the First Order wanted. FN-2187 was even worse. He knew sensitive information and managed to escape with that knowledge. It is a grave error that I allowed him to survive. I was severely punished for that."

"Pardon me if I don't cry tears over that," Rey said with a raised eyebrow, wondering if he had mentioned that last bit to gain some sort of sympathy. 

"I do apologize if I caused you pain," he continued politely, hoping she could tell that he was sincere about that. "I hope you understand that I was doing what was expected of me."

She looked at him for a long beat, trying to figure him out. 

"I understand that you are so brainwashed that you don't even see how fucked up it is that you killed your own father." There was more snark than sympathy in her tone, and though her words angered him, he tried to remain calm. 

"One could argue that everyone is brainwashed. You think of your friends of the Resistance as heroes. They are terrorists. Do you know how many people died when Starkiller Base was destroyed?"

"Not enough to make up for the lives the First Order destroyed in the Hosnian system," Rey said bitterly. 

"That was a warning," Kylo said sincerely. "Like the destruction of Alderaan was a warning to the Rebels in the age of the Empire."

"You should know that destroying entire planets is a very bad thing," she muttered, feeling like she was never going to get through to him.

"I would much rather have avoided it," Kylo admitted. "The First Order wants peace. But to attain it, we will not let ourselves appear weak. We will be strong and strict and set an example for generations to come."

Rey felt how she was feeling sicker the longer she listened to him.

"Your poor parents..." she muttered. "It must have upset them so much to have lost you to Snoke. Leia told me he had brainwashed you, but to this day she believes there is still good in you."

She looked at Kylo as though she was trying to see the good in him, but all she saw was the warped image of a man. If he had ever been good, there was nothing left of that, nothing that she could see at least.

"I can be good," he slowly replied, carefully weighing what he could risk saying to her and not. "I would be good to you, if you were to come with me. You would be  under my protection. You could be my equal and benefit from the same privileges as me. It would be a good life, Rey!" 

He looked around the small cavern. There were several lockers by the walls, and a small table and chair as well - it was very minimalist - not that he was used to that much more comfort - but at least the ships on which he had spent his days with the First Order had been comfortable. He had never wanted anything - save for perhaps the one thing only she could give him: companionship. 

Rey could hardly believe him. As she looked at him, she knew that he was telling her the truth - somehow she sensed it in him - but it was unbelievable and unacceptable at the same time. 

"I won't ever join the First Order, Kylo," she refused his offer. "And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. These past minutes have been aggravating enough to me. Don't you understand that you drive me completely insane with your propaganda babbling? I hate you for what you did - and I would rather spend the rest of my days here on my own than talk to you."

He looked at her with wide eyes, his gaze a little sad, but not overly emotional as he replied: "And yet you're sitting here talking with me now. You could have killed me or kicked me out by now. You're still listening."

A heavy sigh escaped her mouth. 

"Like I said. I'm not a murderer. And sending you out in the middle of the night would kill you too. I'm surprised you managed to survive getting here. Thick as your layers of clothing may be, I can't imagine them to resist the cold of this planet. 

"It was very cold indeed," he admitted, rubbing his arms. "But it's nice that you allow me to warm up here. I do appreciate that, Rey."

She narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. His gratitude was sincere - so sincere that she almost forgot who she was dealing with for a moment. 

She shook her head again. "So what is your plan now? I am going to kick you out in the morning, rest assured of that. But then what? Are you going to send others to come and get me for you? Are you going to take me with you no matter what? What is your plan precisely?"

He hesitated, his mouth open for a moment as he looked at her, shaking his head as he admitted: "I hadn't thought that far. I just thought it was important that I would talk to you. I still want you to come with me, but I don't want to force you. You'll just escape, like last time."

His lips curled up into a small smile as he remembered that. She was too strong to be caged - and he would never try that again. 

"So you won't take me against my will?" she asked, completely confused now. 

He shook his head. "No, I won't. But I do hope to change your mind."

"Do you honestly believe you'll be able to do that?" She had a half-grin on her face, almost as though she was challenging him to try. He wouldn't succeed, she was sure of that.

"I hope so," he admitted. "I want you by my side, Rey. Where you will be safe. If you don't want to learn the ways of the Force, then you don't have to. I'm sure that even Supreme Leader Snoke won't mind, just as long as you're not with the Resistance."

He was being incredibly honest with her - disturbingly honest, in fact, and she didn't know what she hated more: the fact that Kylo wanted her by his side, or the fact that Snoke had apparently discussed her allegiance with Kylo. 

"Are you sure he wouldn't try to turn me into a weapon?" she asked - not because she was considering the offer, but because she really doubted that Snoke would allow her to remain alive if she did not contribute. He would kill her, surely that was all Snoke cared about - to eliminate all potential threats.

Kylo gulped for a moment, then hastily admitted: "If you don't want to fight, then you can still remain by my side if you marry me. Those in command are allowed to have their families close to them at all times."

Rey didn't know whether she wanted to laugh or punch him in the face. He was dead-serious though, and she shook her head in disbelief again.

"You think I'd want to marry you?" she asked, grinning at the stupidity of that idea. "I'd kill myself first."

As she looked into his eyes, she suddenly noticed how deep those words had cut. For a moment she feared he was going to cry, and the way he sat on the small stool, his shoulders bent and his hands clasped together between his knees, just made him look very pathetic in general. 

"I want to offer you everything I can give," he said softly, looking at the rocky floor beneath his boots. "I want to protect you, care for you, love you... I want to help you learn the Force - but if you don't want that - then that's fine too. And you sneer at me like I have no feelings at all. I don't even know how to change the way you perceive me. I am trying my best."

He sounded defeated, and Rey felt a twinge of compassion for him - no more than that. The rest of her still hated him and everything he stood for - but he was so pathetic that she could not remain completely heartless in that moment. 

"I'm sure that there's gonna be a girl in the First Order that is going to love you in return," she offered softly. "But I can't, Kylo. I won't go to the First Order, and I don't love you."

"But if you got to know me," he offered desperately, his voice hardly more than a whisper. "Truly got to know me - even the parts that I hardly know myself... Maybe you could learn to care for me too. I won't rush you. I want to give you all the time you need."

She did not respond. She could hardly believe what she was hearing.

"When I was in your mind, I saw how you cried yourself to sleep - you hate loneliness as much as I do. You don't have to stay here, alone. You can come with me. Why would you even exile yourself this way? You don't deserve this punishment!"

Now she was the one to feel a little emotional. The past months alone had been hard on her. Perhaps one of the reasons why she had accepted this conversation was because she had not had one in a long time. As much as she hated him, she did not hate the fact that she had someone to talk to right now.

"I'm too dangerous to fall into the wrong hands," she sighed sadly. "I knew you would come looking for me - to turn me into one of your knights of Ren or something."

"Never!" Kylo interrupted her fiercely. "You would never be like one of them - you'd be my equal!"

"Even then..." She shook her head. "I couldn't stay with my friends and Luke... After we buried the knights of Ren, I wanted to leave him. He understood it. If I had become a Jedi, then I would have been your enemy, even more than I am now. I would not have found peace anywhere. That's all I want. I just want peace."

"There will be peace," he promised her. "Once the First Order defeats the Resistance, there will be peace in this galaxy. And you won't need to live in hiding on this icy planet, Rey."

She honestly was starting to feel compassion for his brainwashed mind. It was sick and pure at the same time. Part of him thought like a child, and perhaps that was why she could not talk back to him in that moment. 

"If you want, I can visit you," he offered carefully. "I can bring you supplies - tokens of my good will towards you. We can just talk, and you can slowly get used to this idea - of coming with me. You don't have to come straight away - but when the war is over, perhaps."

His insistence was both disturbing and sweet, but part of her could not crush his dreams.

"Alright," she said softly. "We'll see what time brings."

He seemed elated to get that response from her, and she continued: "But I'm tired now and I want to sleep. The night lasts another seven hours at least. I want to go hunting in the morning, so let me sleep, please."

Kylo looked around a little awkwardly, and Rey pointed to one of the chests in the corner. "You'll find blankets in there. Feel free to sleep as well. There's not much else to do."

As she crawled underneath the blankets, she turned her back on him, not closing her eyes just yet as she listened to him stumble about.

After a few minutes, he lay down on the floor, not too far from her, and she could hear him toss and turn in the blankets. 

She could not forget the things he had told her. He was going to try and befriend her - to lure him to her side. He had been honest enough to reveal that - but Rey wasn't looking forward to that. 

She hated the fact he had found her. The reason why he had found her, was because he had sensed her in the Force. She realized that she needed the Force if she was to find peace. 

Though she had tried to ignore the Force after she and Luke had parted ways, she now reached out for it - trying to focus on him. 

She could feel him. She felt his fear and compassion and his anger and helplessness. But she also felt hope in him - and a desire for peace that was perhaps even stronger than her own. It was strange to recognize those emotions in him, but she did not allow herself to feel too much sympathy for him. 

He killed Han. He hurt Finn. She would not forget that. 

She would not give into him. She wouldn't sit around and wait for him and she actually had the desire to tell him that - but she didn't. 

When she closed her eyes and fell asleep, it was only for a few hours, and when she woke again and turned around in the bed, she saw how Kylo was sleeping soundly. His hair was dark and wild in contrast with the pale blankets around his body. As she saw how his boots stood next to the heater, she got an idea, and she crawled out of bed as quietly as she could, lifting the snowshoes from where they stood, holding them tightly. 

It was like he felt something, and he mumbled, and Rey's heartbeat increased drastically as she feared he was about to open his eyes and look at her. 

She knew that if she were to escape, she could not allow him to wake up, and she knew that if she distracted his subconscious mind long enough, she would be able to get away. 

 

He dreamed he was on the Finalizer again, with Rey by his side. He tried to say nice things to her, but every word she spoke in return cut him deeper than the last. She hated his guts, and nothing he could do changed that. Even his dreams always held a core of truth.  

But the dream changed. As he was moping about, she suddenly sneaked up on him from behind, giving him a sweet kiss on the cheek. This surprised him so much that he turned towards her, wanting to ask her for an explanation, but she gave none. Instead, she kissed him on the lips, and he felt how his body responded to her instantly. He wanted to touch her in return, but she did not allow it - only in her face and on her back was he allowed to rest his hands, and soon her hands were in his pants, and he moaned in complete surrender to her, whispering over and over how he loved her, and how he would repay her in kind for this. 

It was one of the strangest dreams he had ever had, and he did not want to wake from it. 

When he eventually came, he cried out her name again, and suddenly the image of his Rey in front of him changed. She was no longer on the Finalizer, she was out in the snow, crying, hurrying towards the Millennium Falcon as fast as she could.

He sat up straight as he finally woke, noticing the sticky mess in his pants before he realized that Rey was gone. It had been Rey in his dream. She had used their Force Bond to distract him - and she had succeeded majestically.

As he looked around, he found his snowshoes, but she had also taken the metal harness that had originally been around his shoes, which made them nothing more than warm boots. 

He rushed outside as fast as he could, and was just in time to see the Millennium Falcon take off. He wanted to scream out her name, then reminded himself that that would likely cause an avalanche or two. He called out using the Force instead.

_"Rey... Rey, why did you do this?"_

He could not accept that she was gone - that his search for her would need to begin anew. 

_"Kylo... I'm sorry."_

There was true regret in those words, and he wanted to talk to her - but he suddenly felt how she broke off the connection, how she kept him out with her own mind.

He had never felt as alone. But he would not give up. He knew that they were meant to be together. He just had no idea how to make her see the same thing. 


	2. Jawbreaker

"Rey, stop!"

He stumbled backwards, blocking hit after hit as Rey advanced on him, swinging her lightsaber recklessly in his direction. 

Sweat stood on their brows - not just from the intense humidity of the planet. He had trouble keeping his balance on the logs above the swamp and he desperately wished Rey would stop attacking him. It had been months since they had last seen each other on the planet Hoth, and now that he had finally found her again, she had not listened to one word he had said. He hadn't even had the chance to talk.

The moment she had seen him, holding a bouquet of dried roses in his hand as a gesture of affection, she had grabbed her lightsaber and attacked him. 

Half his bouquet had already been lost in the swamp as he had dodged her moves, the other side didn't look like much anymore as he clenched it tightly in his fist. But his desire to make amends had not grown smaller. 

"Fight back!" she shouted at him, realizing he was holding back while he blocked her moves. "Coward!"

She forced him back again, and he honestly didn't know what to do. She had given up her Force training months ago, yet now she wished to fight him? On Hoth she had told him that she didn't want to become a weapon, yet now she had taken up arms against him herself? What was going through her mind? He knew he could read her mind if he forced her to stand still, but he would not do that. She had not even forgiven him for doing that the first time, doing that again now would be a horrible move on his behalf.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, dodging her swings, but he stumbled over a heavy branch, causing him to fall to the dirty and muddy ground. Rey approached and swung her lightsaber to his neck - holding still a few inches from his skin. Her look was defiant, like she wanted him to fight back, and he did not understand. "What's wrong?" he repeated, not moving an inch as he lay there, his black clothes now stained with mud. He still had his lightsaber in his hand, but he turned it off. 

She had said she didn't want to become a murderer, and so he trusted her not to kill him.

As she noticed he wasn't going to fight back, tears came to her eyes. "Fight me!" she demanded, her voice breaking, and he shook his head, moving even closer to her lightsaber, until he could feel its heat on his skin. 

"I don't see why I should," he replied softly, holding up the few flowers he still held in his hand. 

She looked at them and even more tears came to her eyes, and to his surprise she turned off her lightsaber. He wanted to look into her eyes, but the next moment she leaned forward and punched him in the face. 

He felt something snap and the pain stunned him for a moment, after which he moaned.

"Fuck!" Even talking was starting to hurt now, and he brought his hand up to his face, his eyes closed as he was overwhelmed by the pain.

Rey looked down at him in mild surprise. She had not expected this to happen - but his jaw looked a little weird, and she wondered if she had broken it. She definitely had not planned to. 

She looked on as he put his own hands on his jaws, tears of pain streaming down his face, and then he suddenly made a quick movement and Rey heard it snap back into place. Even worse - without knowing, she had opened up to his emotions, and she had felt the pain like it was hers. She yelped and almost blacked out for a moment. 

Not sure whether to apologize or not, she mumbled: "That was not my intention..."

He sighed, looking up at her with a pained expression in his eyes. "It's not your fault," he assured her, but that only confused Rey more.

"What do you mean?" she wondered. "I'm sure I just punched you in the face!"

"I have a weak jaw. Had it broken a few times during training with the Knights of Ren. I did not see your punch coming." He rubbed his cheek gently, though it still hurt a lot. Then he looked up at her, his gaze warm. "It was a good punch."

Rey hated the look in his eyes, and so she tried not to look at him. 

He offered her the dried roses again, and she did allow herself to look at them. It was a horrible gift idea, in her opinion, and he noticed that too.

"I picked these myself - months ago. I hoped to encounter you sooner, but I dried them on my ship so I could still give them to you when we would meet again."

"You shouldn't be getting me flowers," Rey replied in a disapproving tone. "I do not appreciate it."

Kylo hesitated, then pulled back the flowers, looking at them with a sad expression in his eyes. He had meant well with them, but she was clearly not in the mood for accepting gifts or entertaining guests - least of all him. When he dared to glance back up at her, he saw how she wasn't even looking at him. She looked troubled though, and he immediately asked: "Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

She contemplated for a moment whether to speak up or not, then muttered darkly: "Everything is."

As she started walking away, he got up from the muddy ground and followed her. She was handy and agile as she moved over the logs and rocks that stood out above the puddles of the swamp, and he could not help but notice how graceful she was as she lead the way. 

Rey looked back to see if he could keep up with her and remarked: "Your jaw is swelling up a bit."

He shrugged. "It will pass. I've had worse injuries during trainings."

She looked at him for a long while before she suddenly said: "When I helped Luke bury the Knights of Ren, I saw some of their scars. Did you inflict those on each other?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes. We had an unforgiving training regime."

"Looked more like abuse to me," Rey said softly, looking into his eyes to get his reaction to that.

His gaze hardened as he explained: "Pain increases your strength. It allows you to draw from a side of the Force that is otherwise hard to reach. Our trainings - painful as they were at times - were also efficient."

Rey wondered if there was actual truth to that or if he was just brainwashed again.

"Why would you want to subject yourself to so much pain?" she wondered slowly, and Kylo smiled because of her question.

"Why would you want to subject yourself to so much loneliness?" he asked her in return. 

He could see the hurt in her eyes, and he wondered what was going on.

"Rey, what's wrong?" he asked again.

She dodged the question, as well as a branch that was hanging in their way. She was now heading straight towards a cave. "Did Snoke send you?"

"No, not really," he replied honestly. "I've been on a mission, looking for Luke Skywalker, but I've been trying to find you too."

She could sense his honesty, and it only hurt her more to know that he still thought there was a chance for them to be together.

"What did you tell Snoke about our last encounter?" she asked, trying not to sound too suspicious as she entered the cave and used her lightsaber to provide a little light.

He started blushing and was glad that she could not see it in the darkness of the cave they were in. 

"Nothing." He averted his eyes, but then continued with a sad gaze: "But he felt it... That I was hiding it from him... And then he read my mind."

Rey paled as she heard those words. She had been ashamed enough of what she had done, without the leader of the First Order knowing what had happened as well. It had been private - and now she felt a little violated as well. As she turned on a generator, a small lamp gave some light, and revealed Rey's latest hide-out. There wasn't much there - just a bed, some chest-lockers and a small table, and Kylo felt so sorry that this was the way she had to live. 

"What did he say?" she asked, too afraid of the response to look at him.

He was still blushing. "He said that I needed to forget about you, and that is why he sent me on a mission to find Luke Skywalker instead."

She frowned. "Just that? That you need to forget about me? Nothing else?"

"Why do you ask?" He narrowed his eyes. "What did you expect me to say?"

She shook her head. "I don't know..." She sounded weak as tears came to her eyes. "It's too confusing. I don't know what the truth is anymore."

She was holding back an important piece of the puzzle, that much was obvious to Kylo. He wanted to understand. 

"What happened?" he asked, his voice stricter than it had been before. "You're breaking apart about this and I need to know why."

The determination in his eyes caused her to gulp.

"I got a holo-message from the Resistance a few weeks ago. Snoke has been hiring bounty hunters to look for me."

Kylo's mouth dropped a little and he looked at her as though she had to be joking.

She wasn't. She didn't dare to look him in the eye as she continued: "They have gotten the instruction to kill me on sight."

Kylo shook his head immediately. "Those can't have been Snoke's orders. He said that you would be left alone as long as you did not help the Resistance."

Rey's heart ached as she saw how fully he believed that.

"Snoke never lies!" he continued. "He is the most powerful man in the Universe, he has no need for lies! Besides, it would be stupid to kill you, or to invest money in hiring bounty hunters." 

He was of the stubborn conviction that he was right, but Rey began to realize why Snoke wanted her dead.

"You care too much about me," Rey stated softly. "Maybe more than you care about Snoke. Maybe that's why he wants me eliminated."

Kylo could not believe what he was hearing and simply stared at Rey for a few moments, trying to figure out why Snoke would want Rey dead. 

"I would never defect," he said softly, his voice no longer as cold as it had been before. He almost sounded emotional. "I have proven time and time again how loyal I am to him... I even killed my very own father. He knows how I feel about you... Why would he kill you?"

He looked at her with desperation in his eyes, like he needed her to explain this to him, to have it all make sense, to have his life make sense.

Rey had no answer for him though, and he shook his head again.

"Are you sure your sources are correct though? Maybe they just want me to defect so they can win the war!" He sounded vile now, and Rey knew that he hated the resistance with all his heart. It pained her to see how much Snoke had dug his claws into him. Had he ever stood a chance at all?

"Kylo," she said slowly. "I have told no one about you. No one of the Resistance knows you came to me on Hoth. Why would the Resistance tell me this news if it were a lie?"

He grew quiet, confused. Could she actually be telling the truth?

"Perhaps I should show Snoke how loyal I am to him - maybe I can get him to call back the bounty hunters then..."

Rey sat down on the small bunk, and he followed her, sitting down beside her even if she hadn't invited him to. He was too confused to consider if he was welcome or not. But honestly, in this situation Rey did not mind.

"Perhaps if I kill Luke, he will trust me enough to know that I would never betray him..."

He sounded utterly lost, and Rey had never felt so bad for him, even if he had just admitted that he would kill her old mentor if he was given the chance. She did something she had not done before, and she reached out for his gloved hand, holding it tightly. 

As he looked to the side and saw her compassionate gaze, he seemed terrified. 

"I don't want to let Snoke down. He has done so much for me. But I'm being torn apart..."

She remembered those words and frowned for a brief moment. "That's what you told your father..."

"And then the sun vanished and I could feel Snoke in my mind, urging me to choose the right side - to prove my loyalty to him once and for all." Tears came to his eyes. "And I did it... And now... Now he's doubting me again." He turned to Rey in despair. "I don't know what I can do to convince him of my intentions." He looked up at Rey with a tear-stained face. "I don't know what I can do to convince you either. I love you. Why isn't that enough? Am I the only one in this universe who loves unconditionally?"

As he cried, Rey put her arms around his shoulders, and as he sobbed onto her shoulder, she didn't know what to say. She had no doubt that Kylo felt love - but it was for the wrong people. Snoke would always use him for his own gain - and she could not love someone like him.

Yet at the same time, she had begun to admit to herself that his tale was a sad one, and that he had not deserved this fate. If she could turn back time and save him, she would. But she did not believe he could be saved still. Not while he continued to love Snoke so unconditionally. 

"I'm so tired of being strong," he whispered against her shoulder. "I'm so tired. And my jaw hurts."

She chuckled because of those last words and gently moved her hand through his hair, massaging his scalp. He seemed to enjoy it. 

"You can stay for a while, if you like," Rey heard herself say. She didn't know why she thought this was a good idea, but she knew she would regret it if she did not ask it. 

She would not admit it to him, but he truly was growing on her.

"Really?" 

As he looked up at her with hopeful eyes, she smiled, and he was soon smiling in return.

"Yes, Kylo. You deserve a little rest." She wasn't lying about that. If he was constantly tired and exhausted from all the work he did, then it was no wonder that Snoke was able to influence him so easily. He would never escape Snoke's clutches if he lacked the strength to do so. "I will get you something to eat first. Can't sleep well on an empty stomach."

Kylo looked at her as though she was the most beautiful creature in the universe - and in that moment, she was. 

Perhaps not all hope was lost. 

 

He sat with her around the fire as they ate some rations as well as some soup made of carrots and roots that Rey had gathered from the swamp. It was a very simple meal to Kylo, but to Rey it was better than most of the things she had eaten on Jakku. They didn't talk much at first, but slowly they learned that they could talk about other things than the war and their differences. 

Kylo expressed interest in what she did during the day, and she talked about how she wandered around and how she went bat-hunting every now and then, and how she had killed some of the larger monsters that lived in the water. She talked about finding Yoda's hut, but also expressed how she had left it how it was, feeling like it would have been disrespectful to scavenge from it. 

Kylo had tried to urge her that Yoda probably would not mind her taking anything, but Rey could not be convinced that it was in her right.   
She also told him of the plants she had found and the flowers she was growing in small pots aboard her ship, and he loved to see her eyes light up whenever she talked about plants. He kept on asking questions about them and found that she was eager to share what she had discovered. 

After they were done eating, they lay down. Rey lay on the bed again and he on the ground of the small cavern, once again close to the fire. While it had been hot and humid during the day, the nights grew a great deal colder on this planet. 

"Rey?" he murmured, and he heard how she turned around to look at him as he lay gazing into the fire. "Will I wake up in the morning to find you gone again?"

He sounded sad at the prospect, and the longer Rey remained quiet, the more certain he became that that had been her intention.

"Maybe..." she replied. 

"Will you fill my mind with sweet dreams again?" he asked - and he realized that he sounded too hopeful. 

It was quiet for a moment, until he heard Rey ask: "Do you want me to?"

He wasn't even sure. What had happened had been incredibly embarrassing, but it had also been one of the best things that had ever happened in his lifetime. It was strange how mixed his feelings were about what had happened. But Snoke wouldn't be happy if it were to happen again, he knew that much. 

As he remained quiet, he suddenly heard how Rey got up from her little bed, and as he looked towards her, he saw how she was taking her blanket along with her. Unsure what she was doing, he felt a little alarmed when she suddenly lay down next to him.

He looked at her in confusion, and her gaze was almost sad as she looked at him. "I always have trouble falling asleep," she admitted to him. "I thought... Perhaps it's better if I'm not alone."

Kylo shot her an affectionate gaze and let his finger trail over her cheek for a moment, but it was like he could feel how she did not appreciate that. Her eyes were a little forbidding and he quickly pulled back his hand. 

He reminded himself not to touch her unless she had given her permission for that. She moved close to him, almost close enough to touch, and he did not move away from her. He watched how she closed her eyes and then beheld her for a long while before it seemed like she had finally fallen asleep. 

"Sleep well, my love," he whispered when he was sure she could no longer hear, and only then did he allow himself to close his eyes and join her. 

 

When he woke in the morning, she was gone. She had taken one of the lockers, but she had left all other belongings behind. As he looked around, his eye fell on a small pot - a small flower, left behind by Rey. He had not seen it the day before, and when he approached it and picked it up, he noticed a small scrap of paper she had left behind as well.

" _Apologies for breaking your jaw. I hope it gets better soon. Take care._ "

It wasn't a declaration of love, he knew that much, but he could not shake the hope within him. She could have been much crueler and harsher. Instead, she had apologized. 

As he touched his jaw, he knew it was going to hurt a few more weeks before the pain would be gone. It was a small price to pay for spending such lovely time with Rey. She could break his jaw as often as she wanted to if it meant he got to spend more time with her. 


	3. Unfollowed

She had almost began to think that Kylo had given up his chase. 

Seven months had passed since they had last seen each other on Dagobah, and in those months Rey had killed two bounty hunters that had come for her head. She had moved three times, and she believed that nobody would look for her in her current location. 

She lived in an old abandoned laboratory on the planet Mustafar. The planet's volcanic activity meant that it was one of the hottest livable planets in the galaxy. Luckily, technology kept Rey's living quarters relatively 'cold' - just a few degrees underneath her body temperature. She was sweating all day long, but at least she felt safe. And she was already used to the hot temperatures from spending a lifetime on the deserts of Jakku. 

The same day that she had arrived, she had moved her plants to the laboratory, and the heat had caused the plants she had gathered to flourish. 

As she watered some vegetables that she hoped to eat in a few days, she suddenly heard the door open behind her. 

Her heart jumped. She never had visitors.

If it was a bounty hunter, she might not be in time to defend herself, and as she swung around, she immediately activated her lightsaber, only to see a very familiar sight in the door opening.

It was Kylo - wearing his mask and the dark clothes that she imagined to be way too hot for this planet - and she immediately smiled, her heart fluttering in her chest in a way she had never expected it to. As he activated his lightsaber in return, she suddenly frowned, not sure what was going on. He stepped closer - faster than appeared to be friendly - and as she took a few steps back, she gulped. 

"Kylo?" she asked softly, hoping his voice could put her mind at ease - even if it was distorted by the mask. 

"Do not speak to me, witch," she heard him say, and she wasn't sure whether to frown or laugh. When he suddenly swung his lightsaber towards her, she was quick to block it though, wondering what on earth was going through his mind. 

"Kylo, what's wrong?" she asked desperately, her voice higher than she wanted it to be. She just didn't understand. 

"I won't let your words enchant me!"

He swung his lightsaber towards her head, and she ducked just in time, then tried an offensive maneuver to get him to fall back. 

"This isn't you!" she cried out as their lightsabers clashed again and again. "Snoke got into your head!"

It was the only explanation for his strange behavior, but he did not respond to it. He kept on attacking, each hit harder than the previous one, and it was truly frightening to Rey.   
When they had fought on Starkiller Base, he had been injured. When they had fought on Dagobah, he had only fought back in defense. But now that he fought with his full strength, Rey was really starting to doubt if she could beat him. She was far from weak, but he had trained all his life and he was so much taller than her. She had no idea how to overpower him. She begged the Force to help her, but it did not seem to be taking her side, as she suddenly felt how he knocked her lightsaber out of her hands, and when she reached for it with the Force, it didn't flow into her hand, but into his. 

Her heart was pounding painfully loud in her chest as she stepped back as far as she could, her eyes full of fear as she saw him approach, swinging her blue and his own red lightsaber both at the same time, as though this was just a game to him. 

"Kylo, don't," she begged him softly. 

"You have played with my mind for the last time," he muttered, and while Rey was still asking the Force to help her, she suddenly realized what he said. 

  
_His mind..._  
She had already invaded it before. What if she could do it again? What if she could make him see she was not his enemy?

She lifted her hands in his direction, focused on his mask, and pushed her mind in his as quickly as she could. It hurt to get through his barrier, but when she made it in, she saw Snoke, looming over Kylo as he sat on his knees in front of his master, the Supreme Leader's long, pale fingers besides Kylo's temple as tears streamed down his face. 

"Forget about the witch," he said. "She will only make you weak. You are stronger than her. I will give you the power to defeat her."

Rey pushed back further, suddenly seeing memories of the two of them, but unlike they had come to pass. She saw herself fighting him, abusing him and violating him on Hoth, making him suffer, and in the next moment, she saw flashes of herself breaking his jaw on Dagobah and cutting his face open with her lightsaber again, taunting him while she was doing it. It angered her more than anything that Snoke had put those false memories in his head. 

She tried to make him see her own memories - the one that had actually come to pass. She showed him how they had sat together for a meal on Dagobah, how she had grabbed his hand as they had talked and how she had embraced him to comfort him, how he had cried that nobody loved him unconditionally, and how she had slept by his side that night, and she hoped it would be enough. 

She felt his resistance to her grow weaker, and when she pulled out of his mind, she was disoriented for a moment. By the time she opened her eyes again, she saw Kylo drop to the floor, the lightsabers deactivating before they hit the ground, and she was by his side in an instant. 

His body was heavy and lifeless in her arms, and she pulled his head onto her lap, her fingers looking for the buttons that unlocked his mask. As she pulled it off, a feeling of terror ran over her. His face - which she had already slashed open once - now bore an identical scar on the other cheek,  which crossed the other at the top of his nose. It appeared like the scar had been there for months already. 

What was worse, were the fake memories that she had seen in his mind. To Kylo, this scar and all the suffering it had entailed had been her doing. 

It just wasn't fair - at all. Tears streamed down her face as she began to realize that perhaps it had never been Kylo after all who had intended to steal Luke's students away or to kill his own father. Perhaps it had all been Snoke's doing. All Kylo had ever been, was a puppet, yet still he had found it in his childlike heart to love her. The thought alone now made her sob. 

She put her arms around his neck as she held him tightly in her lap, crying bitter tears.

The tears that fell on his face were what woke him, and as he slowly opened his eyes and noticed Rey above him, he remained quiet. He could feel his heartbeat quicken - but he wasn't sure if it was because of hatred or love. She was crying over him - and this confused him enough to temper the monster that wanted to lash out at her. 

He was dazed from the memories that flooded his mind. Some memories were of Snoke complimenting him and being friendly with him, others of the same man hurting him, forcing thoughts into his brain. And then there was Rey. He remembered the humiliation and the hurt - but he also remembered her being angry with him, but refusing to fight him - and he remembered them having a meal together around the fire in the cave at Dagobah. He had been happy then, and as he looked at Rey and felt his heart flutter, he knew it had not been a lie. 

As he remembered how he had intended to kill Rey just moments before, he felt his heart break. 

"Rey," he cried out softly, startling her because she had not realized he had awoken. "I'm so sorry."

She immediately lowered her head to his, touching his forehead with hers as his hand reached out for hers and she squeezed it tightly. 

"Don't be," she whispered. "It's not your fault, Kylo. None of it is. I'm so sorry."

Snoke had spent all of Kylo's life building falsehoods and lies in the boy's mind to try and get him on his side. But now that Rey had broken that last lie in his mind, the others were starting to crack as well. He realized it had been Snoke who had pushed him so far to kill his father - to betray Luke - and Snoke who had caused his nightmares as a child - who had made him fear the night and hate his parents - and he was beginning to wonder what had been real and not. Tears streamed down his face as memories resurfaced - some of them bad - but some of them good as well - and those were the ones that hurt the most. He now remembered being happy by his father's side - and he knew that they had loved each other, and he could not get a hold on his emotions, sobbing and desperately gasping for breath as he felt like he couldn't breathe at all. It had all been a lie - and he had done so much harm. 

"I'm a monster," he sobbed. "I'm the greatest monster in this universe."

As he cried, Rey grew angry with his words, and she shook her head fiercely. 

"No. Snoke is. You're not a monster. Not even a little bit."

He looked up at her in disbelief. She had always said the opposite - and for a moment he feared she was trying to deceive him. 

"You're not a monster, Kylo!" she insisted fiercely. "You're a good man - a loving man - who has been through the most horrible abuse imaginable. I'm so sorry that I did not try to save you sooner."

She traced his new scar with her fingertips, but stopped when he grabbed her hand. 

He slowly sat up, turning towards her, and as he looked at her he felt his heart ache. She was crying for him - feeling for him - and it was the only thing that gave him the will to survive in that moment. 

"I can't return to Snoke," he said slowly.

Rey noticed how his lip trembled, and she could only imagine the fear he had to be feeling. Snoke had the power to undo him completely, and she was so glad that she had never encountered him. She might have been used in the same way then, and that was even more horrific to her than working for Unkar Plutt. Snoke made Unkar look like a friendly gentleman of sorts.

"You don't have to," she whispered, squeezing his hand hopefully. "You can stay with me."

Tears came to his eyes as she said that, and for a moment she thought those were tears of gratitude, but then she started to feel how fear was actually the cause of them. 

"I can't," he insisted. "I can find you because of our bond - but Snoke can find me too. The only reason why he let me go after you now was because he was convinced I would kill you. If I stay with you, he will find us both." He took a deep, shuddering breath before he continued: "He will have me kill you. And I won't even realize what I'm doing until I've done it. And if I'm able to resist it, then he will kill me - and you - and I'm not sure in what order. I can't stay with you, Rey."

The thought that he would leave her, made her feel more miserable than she had anticipated. She honestly didn't want him to go. Not this time.

"I have to stop following you," he continued sadly. "Just being here now is already putting you at great risk. I don't want you to die, Rey. Least of all because of me."

He gently touched her cheek with his gloved hand, and she leaned into his touch with tears in her eyes.  
Her heart wanted nothing more than to be near him. She had thought about him so much - about what drew her to him - why she liked him in the first place, even if she had told herself for so long that she hated every last inch of him. But she could not dislike him. He was like her in so many ways, but he had had Snoke in his life - and that had turned him into a villain. But other than that, he wanted to be loved - and he didn't want to be alone - and like her, he had spent so much time feeling lonely. 

She crawled closer to him to hug him, and felt to her relief how he wrapped his arms around her back, burying his face in her neck as she did the same to him. 

"Where are you going to go?" Rey wondered sadly. 

He hesitated for a moment, then replied: "I don't know yet. But I can't stay with you. I care too much about you to put you at risk." He hesitated for a while before he continued. "When I first learned on Hoth that you were avoiding the war, I thought it strange. I could not understand how you would not fight - especially with the powers that you had. Now I understand. I was controlled by Snoke, and look how much damage I did. Look at all the people I killed - look at all that the First Order has done. I have contributed to their success, and now they are going to destroy the universe as we know it."

To hear him speak so boldly and bravely against the First Order was refreshing to Rey. It only made her realize how much she actually loved him - despite his scars and his monstrous past - he was her equal - and she could not express her love for him in words. She got closer to him and kissed his forehead, then followed his scars with her lips, placing sweet kisses all over her face, and he closed his eyes as he let her, basking in her affection. 

"I love you," he said gratefully, his eyes still closed, but they opened the moment Rey replied.

"I love you too."

 

Rey had always expected the moment she confessed her love to someone to be the most romantic and wonderful moment of her life. 

She had been completely wrong about that.

There was nothing in that moment between them that wasn't heartbreaking and agonizingly cruel. They held each other and cried, but they did not dare to speak of the future, knowing fully well that Kylo's chances of survival weren't particularly big. Snoke would kill him if he did not listen - and Kylo couldn't just walk over to the Resistance without being in danger as well. The only person that seemed to want him alive, was Rey. But Rey could not risk telling him about Leia's whereabouts, who might still have helped him. If Snoke managed to get his hands on Kylo before he could reach the Resistance, then Leia would be in danger too. It seemed that no matter what they did next, it was bound for disaster. 

He wouldn't be safe. Whether he went to the Resistance or tried to hide in the Outer Rim, Snoke would send for him. He wouldn't be safe for long. But at least Rey would be, if he let her be. 

"I will no longer follow you," he promised her as he helped her move her plants to the Millennium Falcon, which was hidden in a cave not too far from her hideout. It was hot on the rocky terrain that they crossed, and Kylo could not help but look at the lava that flowed far beneath them. "If the First Order wins this war, then I can never see you again - not without risking your safety. And even if the Resistance wins, we will need to be careful. There is always someone waiting to put our talents to use, and they're more often than not evil." 

As they entered the Millennium Falcon, Kylo looked around with a sad gaze, and Rey noticed it.

"If the Resistance wins, then I will look for you," she promised solemnly. "I will come and get you with this ship, and we can travel the Galaxy together. It is what your father would have wanted, too."

He gulped emotionally and then inclined his head in gratitude. 

"Thank you. I hope with all my heart that we can see each other again."

"As do I."

 

It was the hardest goodbye of her lifetime. Even if she remembered how painful the day had been that her parents had left her on Jakku, this was far worse. Perhaps it was because she already had been abandoned by people she had loved before that she was now unable to keep her cool. She was nearly hyperventilating as she stood on the ramp of the ship and he stood before it, unwilling to follow her in. 

He looked at her emotional state with a sad gaze in his eyes. He had stopped crying at last, but now Rey was the one who had trouble pulling herself together. There were no words that could make their parting any easier, and so they spoke none, knowing at least that their hearts felt the same. 

As she leaned in for a brief kiss, their first one, he gave her one, tasting the salt of her tears on his lips. He held her close as he kissed her - hoping there would be other times, but fearing the worst. She was doing the same, and he wished he could give her more hope before he left. 

"Stay safe," he said when they broke their third small kiss, and Rey nodded quickly, as though nodding itself would make her forget her heartache sooner. 

"I will. Take care."

He smiled briefly, tears in his eyes as he saw how her lip was trembling once more and she was biting back tears herself. 

When she turned around and headed into the ship, he let out a deep breath, his heart aching terribly when he saw the engines turn on and the ship leave. 

He kept on watching until he could see her no longer, and even minutes later he did not move. His breathing was still uneven and his heart was pounding in protest. No part of his body wanted to let her go, but his mind knew that it was for the best. 

He tried to sense her in the Force - and only when she made the jump to lightspeed did he lose her trace completely. He would not attempt to chase her again. 

"You are now unfollowed," he whispered sadly. "I won't reach out for you again. But I will love you - always."


	4. Hair braiding

After the war ended, Rey regretted more than ever that she had not continued her training in the Force.  
She wanted to find Kylo more than anything, but felt like her powers were unpolished - and meditating did not come easy to her. However, she still meditated for hours and tried to reach out to Kylo in any way she could, but she just could not sense where he was. Sometimes she feared he had been among the First Order casualties when the second Starkiller Base had blown up. Other times she feared he didn't want to be found. But mostly she considered herself a failure, a weakling who would never be strong enough to find him. Whatever the reason why she could not find him, it broke her heart. 

She had no luck as she traveled along the galaxy. At every planet and asteroid belt she stopped to meditate, trying to pick up any sense of Kylo's presence, and then she moved onto the next. She wondered if this was how Kylo had tracked her the previous times - if it had required such an agonizingly large amount of patience to find her too. He had spent just as much time as her looking for her in the vastness of space - and he must have felt just as alone and hopeless as she did now. She often remembered the dried roses he had wanted to offer her on Dagobah, and had imagined him taking care of those in the few moments he had been resting. Those flowers must have given him hope, yet once he had offered them to her, she had refused to accept them. 

Even worse, she had chased him with her lightsaber, to make him pay for even looking for her. 

She now regretted that. Many things had changed over the months - her heart was one of those things. 

Every night she asked the Force to reunite them soon - or to send her a sign he had passed away. 

Months had passed since the end of the war, and it had been nearly half a year since the last time they had seen each other on Mustafar, when she suddenly woke in the middle of the night. A strange feeling fell over her, like someone was reaching out to her. She immediately got up from her bunk-bed and headed towards the cockpit, gazing out over the stars while she tried to hold onto the feeling. She followed her gut as she punched in some coordinates, and as she moved a few lightyears in that direction, she tried to call out to him. 

She repeated that process a few times, the gut feeling becoming stronger each time, but only the sixth time did she truly sense him - but very faintly, like trying to keep a small flame alive without anything to burn - and she hoped he could sense her too.

_"Kylo, I'm coming for you - where are you?"_

His voice was faint, but it was his, and her heart jumped when she heard his reply.

_"Takodana."_

 

Rey didn't know what to do with herself as she flew over the planet's surface, trying to sense him now that she was closer to him than she had been in ages. The link between them grew stronger as she headed towards the northern continent - not too far from where she had once visited Maz's watering hole. 

The destruction of that first attack had caused Maz and the others to leave - and the planet had been abandoned since then. Rey wondered if there was anyone besides Kylo still around. 

Not just that, but she did not miss the irony that he had remained hidden in the one spot where they had met. She was angry with herself now. Why hadn't she considered checking out Takodana sooner?

As she landed the Millennium Falcon in the exact same spot where she and Han Solo had once landed it, she quickly turned off the ship's engines before she rushed outside, running towards the lake as she frantically looked for Kylo. 

"Kylo!" she shouted as loudly as she could, and she held quiet for a moment before she heard his reply - his voice coming from the other side of the lake.

"Rey!"

She saw him wave with both hands - and he was too far away to see him clearly. Still it appeared like he was wearing a white shirt above black trousers now, and no longer the dramatic black outfit she had gotten to know him in. 

She started running along the water's edge and she could curse the curvy edges of the lake, making the run to him way too long. As she heard splashing in the distance, she realized he had jumped into the water, and he was now swimming to her as quickly as he could, and Rey grinned as she felt her heart flutter. She stepped into the water, glad that it was summer and warm, but didn't go in too far. She stopped when her knees went under - for she still couldn't swim - and she reached out to him as he came closer. When he got up from the water and waded to her, she saw his lower arms and part of his chest that wasn't covered by his shirt, and the amount of scars that she saw startled her. When he reached her, however, she stopped staring and embraced him tightly, and he lifted her up and swung her around, causing her to shriek because he was completely wet as he held her against him. 

As she looked into his eyes, she realized she had never seen him happier than she had in that moment, and she did not realize herself how wide her grin was. His hair appeared to be longer than ever before, and he held her up so she wouldn't have to stand in the water. With her head above his, she leaned down to kiss his lips. 

He hummed approvingly as they kissed, and Rey stroked his wet hair from his face, glad that they were finally reunited again. 

When they broke the kiss, Rey could not contain her curiosity. She wanted to know everything that had happened - as soon as possible. As he carried her out of the water, she put her head on his shoulder, so happy to be with him again. This was what she had hoped for all that while - and for once it seemed like the Force granted her a good day, a wonderful day, even. 

When he put her down on dry land again, she watched as he took off his shirt and wrung it. She wasn't looking at his shirt as much as she was looking at his chest. Despite the amount of scars he had from fighting the knights of Ren and other foes, she felt her stomach turn in a pleasant way. His broad shoulders spoke to her imagination, and she wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in those arms - to kiss each and every scar - and to remove him of every last bit of clothing. 

When he started blushing, she gulped all of a sudden, and she hoped he had not picked up on that train of thought. 

From the way he averted his eyes, she feared he might have, and she decided to change the topic - for his sake as well as hers.

"What happened?" she wondered. "Why didn't you come and look for me?"

He quickly put on his shirt again and then held out his hand to her, and as she took it, he lead her back to the side of the lake where she had seen him first. He was so relieved to see her that he could not stop smiling, and she could feel how his fingers softly rubbed over her skin, glad to be feeling her now that he was no longer wearing the gloves that usually concealed his fingertips. 

As he spoke, Rey realized how calm he sounded for a change - how at peace - and she was truly happy for him.

"I managed to escape the explosion of the new Starkiller Base just in time... But my ship got damaged and I could not maintain lightspeed for long. As I realized I wasn't going to be able to make a proper landing, I headed for Takodana. I knew it was deserted - so I also knew I wouldn't get any unwanted attention here - and I knew it was livable. The ship I had used to escape crashed into one of the eastern lakes. I feared I was done for, but ejected my seat just in time. I landed in the water and swam for an hour before I reached land. After that, I wandered around these forests for months. About a month ago, I found Maz Kanata's old castle - and I have remained in this area since then."

"I'm so sorry I didn't find you sooner," she apologized. "I feel like I've failed you. I've left you on your own for all these months! It must have been frightening!"

He was moved by her compassion and smiled warmly, still holding her hand as they walked by the water's edge.

"Actually... It's been liberating," he admitted. "Being among other people would have been far scarier, in my opinion. There's no judgement here - no blame, no guilt. No one here wants me to do anything for them - no one wants to use me... I've been happy, in some strange way. You can not imagine the joy I felt when I caught my first fish - or when I looted the ruins of Maz's castle and found amazing treasures."

"Treasures?" Rey repeated, intrigued.

Kylo blushed. "Not to everyone, I suppose. But I had nothing but my lightsaber and the clothes on my back when I arrived here. Maz Kanata's castle provided me with so much more. Pots and pans, a razor, this shirt, rations, spices, blankets, tables, chairs, cloth... I've actually had fun here the past month. I kept on thinking that you would pop up soon, and I felt like I needed to impress you when you did... I mean... What would you have thought if I had stood here with a massive beard, looking absolutely miserable?"

Rey grinned widely, glad to hear that he had thought of her at all. 

"For a few moments I actually feared you were gone," Rey admitted. "I couldn't pick up a sense of you anywhere. I was so afraid you had died - and that I had no one to actually look for."

As he noticed how sadly she said that, he put his arm around her shoulder, and she leaned into him.

"Didn't you speak to my mother?" Kylo asked gently. "I'm quite sure she would have told you as well that I was still alive."

"I only saw everyone just once after the war ended," Rey admitted quietly. "I know your mother believed you were alive, but still... After months of searching for you and failing to locate you, I was starting to doubt everything. There were moments when I thought I no longer had the Force on my side at all - that it had forsaken me. And I feared the universe was punishing me - by keeping me from your side."

He pressed a sweet kiss to the top of her head. 

"Nonsense," he muttered. "The universe just gave me the time to prepare a surprise for you, that's all."

As they walked away from the lake, they headed towards one of the nearby hills. As the terrain was slowly increasing in altitude, Rey was curious where he was leading her. She noticed a small stream ran closeby, and they seemed to be following it uphill. 

"Where are we headed?" she wondered, and he chuckled in reply.

"You'll see."

Rey could hear the waterfall before she actually saw it. It was a small one, a little higher than the Millennium Falcon was, and as the water clattered down, Rey suddenly noticed that the area around the stream and waterfall wasn't untouched. Against the rocky surface of the hill, there was a simple, wooden shed, with lots of firewood underneath. In the rocks, right next to the waterfall, there appeared to be an opening, wide enough for a person to fit through. Next to the water, she saw a small garden of sorts, with a dozen plants just sprouting.

She could not stop smiling as she looked around her, and Kylo was watching her face with a wide grin on his, curious what she thought about all of it. 

"This is where you live?" she asked in an incredulous tone.

He nodded eagerly. "I saw this waterfall and knew this would be a good spot to live. Not too close to the lake - just in case there are ever any floods - and I loved the idea of living close to the waterfall. I made the cave behind it myself. Want to see?"

Rey's mouth dropped. "You made the cave yourself?"

"Yes," he replied happily. "With my lightsaber. Took a few days, but completely worth it. Come and see."

As Kylo led the way, she followed him inside, noticing how straight the walls were, with three windows on the same side as the door. The windows were tiny - hardly larger than a head - but they let in some light, and one of them was right behind the waterfall, which provided them with a handy source of water inside the room. The ceiling actually had a hole in the middle, that led all the way up to the top of the hill, and underneath it there was a fireplace, where some embers were still warm. 

The cave would have been impressive just like that, but Kylo had outdone himself in dressing up the place. The walls were covered with flags, that made the room more colorful than it would have been if nothing but the black rocks had been visible. There were luxurious chests placed against the walls, as well as a round, silver table and two chairs. In a corner of the room there stood dozens of jars, in all sizes, made of copper and gold and glass. Rey wondered what was inside. On the walls, there were racks made of lumber that held mugs and plates and pots and pans, and in the furthest corner of the room there was a large mattress, which held a few pillows and many comfortable blankets and hides. There was a curtain that hung around it, and Rey imagined that the curtain was drawn closed at night, to keep out the light from the fireplace and to keep out the cold. 

"Look at this," Kylo said eagerly, moving to one of the windows and pulling another flag down over it, making it darker inside. "I can do that for all of the windows. Curtains!" 

He looked so happy and eager to show her this that Rey could not help but grin in return.

"Oh, and look what else I found!" As he headed to one of the chests to open it, he revealed a large amount of books and holograms that he had found among the debris of Maz's castle. "I haven't had the chance to read anything yet," he admitted. "Been so busy working on this place."

As Rey looked around her, she began to realize something. 

"This is really where you want to spend the rest of your life?"

He suddenly froze, and as he turned to her, he looked a little afraid. 

"Isn't this what you want too?" he asked. 

Rey hesitated, but then smiled at him. "I think it's different from what I expected. But I like it."

"Did you want to live in a city?" he asked, fear in his eyes, and Rey quickly shook her head.

"No, silly. I actually didn't think about it before... But I like this a lot."

As relief flushed through him, he managed to smile again. 

"I saw the places where you hid in the past. They were relatively small and simple, and isolated, so I figured you'd like it here. The temperatures on Takodana are lovely - winters aren't too cold and summers aren't too hot. There is water nearby, lots of fish too, and I even managed to plant some wild kind of carrot by the water. You could actually garden if you wanted to - though I still need to make a fence. There are some animals in these forests - most of them friendly, but not towards plants, I suppose."

She was moved by the amount of thought he had given this, but she did wonder: "Don't you want to return to the rest of civilization at some point?"

He shrugged: "I can't imagine the rest of civilization to want me back. Besides, it's like you once told me... Being a Force user puts us at risk of being used. I don't ever want to be used again."

Rey noticed how bitter he looked all of a sudden, how upset the thought of Snoke still made him, even now that Snoke was dead. 

She walked closer to him and opened her arms, inviting him in. He only hesitated for a second before he embraced her tightly once more. 

"We... we don't have to stay forever," he said softly, burying his face in her neck. "But maybe... maybe a few more months? Until winter?"

Rey could completely understand his desire to stay off the charts for a little while longer. Maybe one day they would return to Leia and their old friends - but not today. There was no rush, and she wasn't going to push him. Besides, he seemed to be happy here - and she wanted to experience some of that happiness for herself. 

"Of course," she said softly, and as she pulled back she shot him an encouraging smile. "Will you help me get my things from the ship?" 

As he now realized that she was happy to stay with him, he smiled in return.

"Of course!"

 

Once Rey's plants and other belongings were moved to their hideout, Kylo started working on an evening meal for them. Rey gladly offered her rations to him, and he chuckled as he showed her a few rations he had found himself at Maz's castle. They certainly wouldn't be lacking in food for the upcoming time, and Rey started making herself at home, putting away her belongings among the things he had gathered. 

"It's getting a little full," Rey remarked, and Kylo chuckled. 

"I was thinking of making a little cellar or something. For more storage room."

"We could also just move the Millennium Falcon closer," Rey suggested. "Are there no open clearings nearby?"

Kylo shook his head as he stirred in the pot of noodles he was preparing. 

"Not yet. But we could easily make a clearing if we cut some trees."

He took the pot away from the fire and placed it on a few flat rocks that stood besides it. He gathered up two bowls, filled them both until the pot was empty, then placed them on the small, round table. 

"Dinner is served," he announced, his voice a little anxious, and as Rey looked up, she noticed that he was waiting for her to take a seat. As she got up and headed to the table, he rushed to her seat, sliding it back, then underneath her as she sat down. 

She felt a nervous twinge in her stomach again. He treated her like a Goddess, and as he sat down and looked at her from across the table, it seemed to Rey like he was hoping to win her approval with the things he had done here for her. 

"Kylo..." she said slowly, taking the bowl in her hand but not yet eating from it. "You do realize that I would still love you if you had not prepared me this meal, or pulled back my seat, or had made this wonderful home for us?"

He bit his lip as he nodded slowly, but his gaze was still insecure. 

"I love you," Rey said with a warm gaze and an honest smile. "You don't need to spoil me. I don't expect anything from you."

He furrowed his brow before he spoke: "But I love you too, Rey... What I do, I do to show you how much I care about you."

Now she was the one to hesitate, and she looked into her bowl as she thought about his words. "I'm just not used to being treated with attention like yours."

"You deserve to be," he insisted, smiling now that he realized that maybe he hadn't done anything wrong after all. It was all as new to her as it was to him - there were bound to be things they still needed to grow used to.

"I don't know if I agree," she replied slowly. "But I will try and make it up to you. I feel like I still have so much to make up to you, and you keep on adding to it."

Kylo frowned now, not sure what she was on about. 

"Rey, what on earth are you babbling about? I've done horrible things in my past - nobody owes me anything. I am the one who needs to make it up to the universe, not you."

She fiercely shook her head. "I disagree. You made up for your mistakes when you helped the Resistance destroy the new Starkiller Base and defeat Snoke. You redeemed yourself that way. Meanwhile, I did absolutely nothing to help. I hid. I should have helped you much sooner... It was unfair of me to send you back into the war on your own."

Her gaze was sad as she looked at the food in front of her, but she could not eat while guilt flooded her so. 

"Rey, don't say that," Kylo insisted. "I'm so glad you were able to remain safe. Snoke wanted you dead - I am just glad you survived. And now you're here with me, and we can be together. And no one is going to tear us apart."

As he smiled at her, she looked up again, and his happiness was so infectious that she could not help but smile herself. She hoped he was right. 

They ate in silence and afterwards washed off their bowls and pot in the water outside. 

Once they had stored everything away again, they climbed up the rocks until they were on top of their little hill, from where they had a good view over the forest and the lake in the distance. As the sun set, they sat besides each other. They talked a little bit, but they mostly enjoyed the moment as it was. Rey closed her eyes a few times - just to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin - and she loved listening to the chirping of birds in the trees. She loved the beautiful nature of Takodana and knew she was going to feel right at home here. 

She did not notice at first when Kylo was beginning to undo her buns. He had had his hand on her shoulder and on her lower back, and she had felt how his fingers had traced her back and neck - and now they were in her hair. 

"Your hair has gotten so much longer since the last time we saw," he said softly. "Your buns are so big now."

Rey chuckled. "Your hair is also rather impressive. It's much longer. And so thick."

"May I undo the buns?" he asked carefully, and Rey nodded immediately. She closed her eyes again as she felt him undo the small bands that held her hair together, and then he moved his fingers through her hair, combing it out. It was relaxing and comforting in a way that Rey had never experienced before. Or perhaps she had, in those years before she had been left on Jakku. 

If she had to describe 'peace' to anyone, then she would describe that very moment: Kylo playing with her hair while the sun was setting on a beautiful summer's evening. She closed her eyes as he braided a few strands of hair, then linked them together behind her head with another band. 

As she looked at him when he was finished, he looked at her with nothing but adoration. 

"You're so beautiful," he said gently, and Rey scrunched her nose a little as she thought that was a weird thing to hear. She had never really considered herself beautiful. Not that she had thought of herself as ugly, but beautiful, that was like the fancy ladies on Coruscant, who spent all their time doing their hair and applying dozens of layers of makeup and who wore expensive dresses and shoes wherever they went. Beautiful wasn't sweating in the Jakku desert, or training to become a Jedi, or flying across the galaxy in the Millennium Falcon. Or at least that was how she had always felt it. But perhaps beautiful could be sitting outside as the sun set, with braided hair, beaming because she was with the man she loved. Perhaps.

She leaned in to kiss his lips, and he leaned in to meet her half-way, tenderly cupping her cheek as he did so.

When they broke the kiss, Kylo averted his eyes, shy because of her affections, even if he welcomed them at the same time. 

"We should head inside. It will be dark soon," he decided.

He held her hand as they climbed down. She didn't need his hand for support, but was glad to have it regardless. He watched her every step, making sure she did not hurt herself, and she was honestly moved by his worrying, even if she thought it wasn't necessary at all. 

Once inside, he sat down on the mattress in the corner to take off his shoes, and Rey didn't know for a moment if she should join him or not. As she noticed her hair brush on the rack, she took it and headed his way, quickly kicking off her shoes as well before she crawled on the mattress behind him. 

He had noticed the brush in her hand and had given her an amused smile. 

"May I return the favor?" she asked innocently, and he nodded his approval. 

"Of course... Just let me light the fire first."

As he lit the fire, Rey watched him patiently, her affection for him growing with each and every second she spent with him. She loved watching him. He was so tall, a little clumsy, but at the same time elegant, and oh so gentle at the same time. When he moved back to the mattress to sit before her, she smiled to herself, counting her blessings.

She slowly combed through his hair, and it seemed like he would have purred if he actually could. His eyes were closed and his hands were folded peacefully in his lap as he waited for Rey to groom him. Like he had done to her, she began to braid a bit of his hair, taking two thin locks near his temple and binding them together behind his head, keeping his hair out of his face. 

She felt amused by his large ears, especially now that they were no longer covered by the hair that otherwise hung in front of them. As she let her finger brush against the shell of his ear, he suddenly shuddered a little bit, turning to look at her with one eyebrow raised. 

"Are you mocking me?" he asked playfully, and Rey chuckled as she looked at him. He looked adorable this way, and she was quite amused that he thought she would mock his ears. She absolutely loved them. 

She warmly wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pressed a sweet kiss to the top of his ear, and as his shoulders relaxed at that and he leaned into her, she did not stop there. Her lips pressed kisses to the back of his ear, then to his ear lobe, which caused him to bite his lip as he held his breath. She knew that he was enjoying it, and so she did not stop there. She licked her lips so they were wet before she pressed another kiss to his ear lobe, and this time she heard him take a deep, shaky breath. Her wet lips moved down his neck, and he leaned his head away from her so she had all the room she needed to spoil him. 

Through their bond, she picked up on his feelings of desire and surrender, and her own lust for him only grew. 

On some lonely nights she had entertained the idea of seeing him again in better circumstances - circumstances like these, where they would be given the chance to explore each other. Now that it was actually happening, Rey had never felt more alive, and she startled when Kylo suddenly turned around, took her face in his hands and crashed his lips to hers. 

His kisses were desperate, and his body even more so. He held Rey so close that it almost appeared to Rey like he was afraid she would try to leave him. She had no such foolish desires - all she wanted was him, and she wouldn't have left him for anything in the universe at that moment. His hands traveled the length of her torso, but while she had already slipped her hands under his shirt, his were far more prudent, only ghosting over her top. 

She pulled off his shirt first, and without even looking at him, she pulled off her own top as well, tossing it besides the mattress before she looked at him.

He had a small blush on his cheeks and seemed afraid to meet her gaze. As she looked at his chest again, she wondered if he was ashamed of his own scars, or if it was the sight of her half-naked body that had him so quiet all of a sudden. 

Luckily for her, she was fearless when it came to these things. She knew what she wanted, and she knew that he wanted it too. She had never been shy before, and she wouldn't be shy now either.

Without further hesitation, she sat down on his lap, her arms wrapped around his shoulders as she paid close attention to his expression. He still appeared overwhelmed as he looked at her breasts, then tried to look into her eyes instead, but quickly cast them down again as he was afraid he was being rude or inappropriate. To comfort him, Rey gave him a gentle kiss, and he leaned into it, slowly breaking out of his own unease as he let his hands rest on the small of her back.

Her own hands weren't as still. She felt each and every scar on his torso as she let her fingertips explore him. When he suddenly broke their kiss and shook his head, Rey stilled her hands, sensing that he was upset. 

"I don't know if I can do this," he admitted, his eyes closed as though he was trying to shut out her state of undress from his mind. 

"Why not?" Rey asked, trying not to sound too disappointed as she took her hands off his chest and crawled off him, giving him the space he seemed to desire. 

He seemed to hesitate to tell her this, as though he was afraid she would not understand and judge him for it. 

"It's overwhelming," he said emotionally. "It brings back too many memories - you touching all those scars - and I can't shut them out or just enjoy the here and now. It's like... there are too many thoughts in my mind and I can't focus on what I want to focus on. It's exhausting and I just can't keep up."

He finally dared to look up at her, and she nodded slowly, showing that she understood - or was at least willing to respect what he needed. 

"Would you like to touch me instead?" she asked gently. "I'll keep my hands to myself, if you want me to."

She noticed how he blushed again - the redness even seemed to spread to his ears, and she hoped he would find the courage to continue. She knew she still desired him - and she knew that he also desired her, even if he was afraid to give into it. 

"I will close my eyes if you want me to," she added hopefully, and to her great relief, he nodded.

She took a deep breath as she lay down on her back, her eyes closed as she waited for him to grow more at ease around her. It seemed like a small eternity before she finally felt his fingertip tracing the curve of her breast, then tease her nipple. He was so gentle, but that only had the effect that Rey's desire for him tripled. As his fingertips drew small patterns on her bosom and belly, she relaxed under those sweet touches, desiring so much more. When he leaned his weight over her, she bit her lip in expectation, gasping when she suddenly felt his wet lips on her breast, wanting so much more than the attention he was currently giving her. 

While he had been overwhelmed by touch, that was precisely what she wanted - she wanted him everywhere, and with her eyes still closed, she suggested: "You may take off my pants, if you want to."

She wasn't one for subtlety, and she heard his chuckle as he thought the same. But he did not wait much longer before he pulled her pants down, and like they had been before, his hands were absent from her body now - his eyes drinking in the sight of her naked form. She heard and felt him move on the mattress besides her, and as she heard some more fabric drop to the floor beside the mattress, she figured that he had to have taken off his pants as well. Her chest heaved at the thought alone. 

She forbade herself to look - even if she wanted to - and when she felt him spread her legs as he moved himself between them, she gulped. The weight of his body was warm against hers and she held her breath as she waited for what was to follow.

Uncertain whether she had to expect a kiss or something else, she gasped when she felt something soft between her legs, rubbing up and down her slit. She bit her lip in appreciation of the feeling and moaned softly. This grabbed Kylo's attention, who whispered: "You like that?"

She nodded, but did not stop biting her lip as he continued his teasing - or at least that was what it felt like to Rey - and she did not see it coming when he suddenly pushed into her, causing them both to moan in surprise. It seemed like not even Kylo had expected that overwhelming sensation, and he needed a moment to gather his senses again before he gently bucked his hips against hers.

Rey wasn't certain what she was feeling. It wasn't pain - though perhaps that was a little part of it too - but it wasn't complete pleasure just yet either. She only knew that she wanted more of it, and so that was what she asked for, her eyes still closed. 

"More, Kylo... Go on..."

As he picked up the pace - at first ever so carefully, but then slowly faster with each thrust - Rey felt like the mattress did not offer her the support she needed to get through this. She threw her arms around his neck instead, moaning incoherently as she was feeling how the pleasure within her was building too. He stopped for a moment when she grabbed onto him, and her eyes flew open in an instant, noticing his slightly alarmed expression as they suddenly stared into each other's eyes. 

She looked afraid because she thought that she had done something wrong - and he was afraid that he had done something wrong as well, that his self-control had been unable to protect her from pain. 

"May I hold onto you?" she asked, scared that she had ruined the moment, but to her great relief, he smiled warmly. 

"Of course," he replied softly, looking into her eyes with nothing but the affection he felt for her. 

"I'll try not to overwhelm you," she offered carefully, and he chuckled.

"This is completely overwhelming already," he said teasingly. "But in a good way. A new way. I think it's supposed to be like this."

They looked into each other's eyes now, even as Kylo pushed in her again, and it could not have been more different from the fights they had had. Where they had recklessly fought for their lives before, unafraid to give the other scars, they were now gentler with each other than anyone had ever been with them. 

"It feels so good," she muttered, and he simply hummed in agreement, not taking his eyes off hers as he continued the gentle bucks of his hips. 

When she started moving her own hips in unison with his, was when he began to lose the little control he had had, and he closed his eyes now, trying to keep his focus. 

"Too good," he replied. "Feels too good."

He was losing all coherent thoughts, and was almost too late to catch Rey's words as she muttered: "I'm gonna come..."

He wanted nothing more than to know what that was like for her, and as he opened himself to the sensation, he was almost overwhelmed completely when her release flooded over her. It only took a few more thrusts of his own before he buried himself in her completely, moaning as he came. "I love you," he whispered in between his moans, over and over until his seeds were completely spent, and he collapsed on top of her, not immediately aware how her hands went into his hair, slowly massaging his scalp so he could relax. 

He felt himself grow limp again and pulled out of her, feeling how she shuddered a bit at the unpleasant sensation, and he chuckled. 

"Don't laugh," she said with a large smile on her face, and he grinned foolishly in return as he saw her blissful expression. 

They soon leaned in for another sweet kiss, and Kylo moved to lay on his side, pulling Rey along with him. 

"I love you," he said again, his eyes sweet and doting as he looked at her, and she smiled warmly in return.

She could remember the first time she had heard him say those words - in a strange sort of dream - when she had entered his mind on the planet Hoth and had kept him 'busy' so she could escape. She had brought him very close to coming when he had started saying those words, over and over again - and back then, she had been so upset to hear him say that, because even then she had known that his words had been the truth - and she simply hadn't been ready.

Now, those very same words were like fire to her ears. She wanted to hear them a million times over - and wanted to return them even more. 

"I love you too."

He smiled happily at those words. It even seemed like his heart filled with joy and his soul found some of the peace he had been looking for for a very long time. 

They both felt like this was their happily ever after - like their time apart was finally over now. All of their days would be spent together, dedicated to the other's happiness as well as their own. They would help each other survive, and they would give each other all the affection and love the other could possibly want for. 

Love would finally make them complete. They were a family of two now and they would never be lonely again. That was precisely what they had always dreamed of - to be wanted and to not feel alone.

"Are you happy?" Kylo asked gently, and Rey chuckled.

"Can't you feel that I am?" she teased him, embracing him tightly. 

It was true, he could feel it in the Force that she was - but it helped to hear her say it.

"I'm glad you are," he said softly, kissing her forehead, and she closed her eyes as she leaned into him. 

"I regret keeping you at a distance for so long," Rey whispered honestly. "You chased me across the universe because you loved me, and I was cruel to you."

"I don't blame you. I do realize now how creepy I was. I was completely brainwashed, and I don't even know if I myself can consider my old obsession with you a healthy one." He sighed. "But I'm better now, I know that. And I want to be worthy of you."

"You are," she assured him immediately. "I just don't know if I'm worthy of you. I should have fought for you - and I didn't. I let you suffer Snoke's control for too long."

She had tears in her eyes, but Kylo would have none of that. He gently kissed her tears away and caressed her cheek as sweetly as he could. 

"It's okay, Rey. You weren't meant to defeat Snoke - I was. That was my destiny - and now... being here with you, this is destiny too. I feel it."

She was quiet for a long while as she looked into his hopeful eyes, and she suddenly remembered Maz Kanata's words. 

_My dear child... The belonging you seek is not behind you... It is ahead._

Her breath hitched in her throat as she realized now that Maz had always meant Kylo - and nobody else. She felt stupid for not seeing it sooner, but was relieved as well that she finally understood who she belonged with. 

"It _is_ you," she whispered, caressing his face, and as he recognized his own words, he smiled. 

He was no longer torn apart between right and wrong - and she was no longer alone in a place she didn't want to be. Happiness was theirs for the taking and they were finally on the same level - both equally in love and free to follow their hearts. 

As they embraced each other and closed their eyes, they slowly dozed off to sleep - to sweet dreams that were for once a reflection of an even sweeter day. 

And the best thing was that it wasn't even the bittersweet conclusion to the ending of their time together - it was just their beginning. 

 

The end


End file.
